The next in the series of ‘Bible for Kids’- The Bible, rewritten in easy to understand story form. Featuring horrifying illustrations and unconvinced commentary. What happens when Cain meets Abel? We give you the official and not so official version…
THE BIBLE SAYETH:
Life was hard for Adam and Eve outside the garden, as God had said it would be. Eve gave birth to a son, whom she called Cain. Soon afterwards, she had another baby whom she named Abel. Now she and Adam had two sons to help them grow their crops and take care of their animals. When the boys grew up Cain became a farmer and worked in the fields, raising crops, while Abel became a shepherd and looked after the sheep.
Adam and Eve used to show their love and respect for God by offering sacriices to him. They would build an altar out of stones, light a fire, and then kill the finest young lamb or goat in their flock by cutting its throat and pouring the blood into a bowl. Then they would burn its body in the fire. They brought other offerings too—fruit, vegetables and grain, but always the gift they sacrificed was the best of its kind, to say thank you to God, who had provided it.
One day, Cain and Abel made sacrifices too. Cain brought grain from his harvest and Abel brought young lambs from his flock. God was pleased with Abel’s sacrifice because he had offered it gladly; but he knew that Cain had not really wanted to make his offering, so he did not accept it. This made Cain very angry. “Why are you cross?” God said to Cain “If you do well and give gladly, your offering will be accepted, but if your thoughts are full of evil, then evil will rule you.”
Then Cain was not only angry but jealous of Abel, and when they were next out in the fields together he beat him so badly that he killed him.
When Cain came home, God said to him, “Where is your brother Abel?” and Cain replied, “I don’t know—it’s not my job to know where he is.”
“What have you done ?” God said to Cain. “I know you have killed your brother—his blood is crying out to me from the earth. From now on you will never again be able to farm, or bring in the harvest. You must wander like a stranger for the rest of your days, and never belong anywhere.”
“That means I will never see you again and never have a home again, and everyone who finds me will want to kill me,” Cain pleaded with God. “I don’t think I can bear such a dreadful punishment.”
God marked Cain with a special mark so that men would know he had killed his brother and no one would kill him, and this meant he had to undergo the punishment of living without friends for the rest of his life.
He’s a right mardarse, God. Cain’s gone to all this effort to give him his best grain and because he wasn’t dancing a little fucking jig while handing it over God gets a cob on. It’s not even like God eats it, it just gets burned in some fire. As far as I can gather, God is some wispy spirit who doesn’t need to actually consume food so why’s he encouraging such reckless waste?
If anything, Cain’s offering meant more as Abel wasn’t arsed about giving up a lamb, he wasn’t fussed in the slightest. Whereas Cain clearly didn’t want to ruin his grain by burning it for no good reason but did so anyway. Because he bums God that much. But no God has a sulk and calls him ‘evil’ – now if God calls you evil, that’s you fucked. There’s no coming back from that.
So even though Cain gave him his finest grain God decides to ruin Cain’s life. Sends him out to trudge across the land on his own. And most sinisterly for a children’s book, ‘without friends for the rest of his life’. So, little kids, you best obey the word of God or thou shalt suffer the fate of Cain. Nasty. As. Fuck.